we will never forget

September 11th, 2001.

 

 

i'm always inspired by the word of other bloggers. it is why i love to blog, and why i love to write.

bre from oh, pish posh, wrote one of the most beautiful posts concerning the events that occurred eleven years ago today.

and about how we always need our Lord, in every hour.

 



it's like the world is speaking to me or something

i've learned to face the fact that i am an overthinker. an over-analyzer. a worry-wart if you will. "hello my name is m and i have a problem."

as i was driving home wednesday night from all of the hoopla of our countries birthday i got this funny feeling inside of me that made me embark in a conversation with God and thank him. for no particular reason, just two little words: thank you. just him and i, no need for explanation, because we both know how loaded those two little words are.

twenty seconds. i didn't know it was what i wanted, what i needed, but He knew. i think we all need a little more of those twenty seconds. they are the some of the most valuable seconds i've ever spent and some of the most life altering ones as well.



image source

i wore this outfit yesterday

blouse ny&co.; skirt j.crew factory (here); clutch francesca's; wedges (seen here, here, and here); necklace oldnavy

to church to be exact. and i took these pictures after church, which is why there are such lovely little crease marks on the front of my skirt in that last picture. it makes me wish i had one of those little steamer vacs that you see clothing stores have and i could just poof poof some steam and then wah-lah skirt is brand stinkin' new. pause a moment to picture what you would think seeing a girl strolling down the street rolling one of those things behind her. i dig it.

and those wedges, bless their souls. they tried with all their might to make me trip and fall while walking in to Church, and again in the hall, and again as i was entering the pew, but my feet just wouldn't allow it. try as they might i remained upright all morning. i'm sure the congregation was appreciative of this as well.

i think the congregation (or at least my mom, cousin, and the nice people in the pew in front of me) also appreciated my little vocals during the morning worship. okay, okay, i enjoyed it. i dabbled in the vocal extracurriculars (aka i was involved up to my eyeballs in every group possible) throughout middle and high school and have missed singing dearly. and it isn't that i do not appreciate the sermon (especially this week, the book of Revelation always provides with some of the most meaningful sermons) or other various portions of my sunday morning, but something about singing...

singing in church...it gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. it ties the message together and it gives me a little one on one time with God outside of prayer. it is a whole new level of communication between me and the Big Man: a way to thank Him, to speak to Him, to just be one with Him, if only for the time span of a four minute hymn. and today's hymn, the very last hymn of the morning, Hallelujah! What A Savior, was the perfect hymn.

for some reason lately i have been missing my grandmother more then life itself. all of the trials and tribulations, all of the good news and events that have occured, even just the simple stories, i long to go to her and tell her. amongst all the varying things i pray about each night i pray for the Lord to simply guide me each day. show me the way to a peaceful day and an ever steady path to the future He has in store for me. last night i added a little side note: give a little hug to grandma. after reading this book about a little boy's amazing story, i've been trying to have a little more child-like faith, especially in prayer.

did He ever respond. that hymn is the center of one of my favorite memories of my grandma. on her hands and knees during feet washing, a part of communion, singing that hymn. it was a reminder to me that those we love are always with us and we can speak to them any time we want. it was exactly what i needed (what we all need sometimes i think). what a beautiful, wonderful Lord I have.

to read more about my beliefs you can click here (:

best friend countdown: 4 days

keep calm

source

  

the other day one of my favorite bloggers, living in yellow, wrote a little post that went something like this: the thing about blogging...i highly suggest you head on over there and check out her blog because it brought a lot of inspiration to the post that is about to follow.

as a side note: i am completely addicted to the whole "keep calm" phrase and all the funny little scenarios that people keep creating and posting on pinterest. that being said, i'm addicted to pinterest as well. but that has nothing to do with this post. actually, it has a little something to do with this post.
anyway. i've always loved to write. love to the extent that when i was the ripe old age of 9 i entered a story writing contest for the entire county i live in and managed to come out, not only alive, but as the runner-up. i must say. for a 9 year old with a story about a bunny who wants to become a professional ballerina, that is pretty darn good. i even illustrated the pictures myself.

now, as if all that rambling was necessary (which it wasn't), i'd like to move on to a more serious matter: sometimes writing is just about getting out exactly how you feel. to me, that is originally why i wanted to start my blog, to express how i feel - to have an outlet to explore these emotions in a way that, maybe, could aid me in coping, help me find some way of organizing not only my thoughts and dreams but my feelings in a way that would bring some order to a chaotic life that is just about out of my control.

so here we go.

i have felt like i have lost a lot. and not in the sense that a lot of people out there in the world have lost. i have not lost a spouse. i have not lost a home. i have not lost my parents. in all honesty, i have not lost much at all in comparison to a majority of the world, but does this make my pain any less real? should ones loss really be compared to that of anther's? do we all not hurt in the same way over the same and different things? i ask this because if you are out there reading - i ask you to read on with an open mind. i believe that it is one of God's great blessings to be able to approach things in life with an open mind. because every struggle, no matter how small, is real.

i have lost myself. this can happen to anyone. this can happen to those who are aware, this can happen to those that are not aware. i was not aware. and maybe it was a part of God's plan to have me lose myself in order to discover who i really was, what really mattered. i choose to believe this was his plan because i am a child of God. i am not ashamed of this, although some may view this heavy faith in our Lord as "old fashioned" or out of date, i do not believe that religion will ever be coined as "old fashioned", especially to someone who has faith.

when i want to know that i will be okay, i pray. when i want to question and fear, i pray. when i want to cry - and when i say i mean disgusting, awful, shaking in my boots cry - i pray. when i have no where to turn, no where to set blame, no where to find solace in a world that i no longer understand, where i feel as if i have no stability, no love - i pray. if this makes me old fashioned, i'll wear it proudly.

i am not one to force my beliefs on anyone. i have learned this the hard way. i have learned that you cannot preach to those that do not want to have an open mind, open heart, or open eyes. i have learned that fear is the only enemy and Satan wears this mask well. my heart goes out to those who will not choose to blindly believe. my heart goes out to those because i was that person. i was angry with God, i was angry that he allowed certain things in my life to happen - people to die, people to walk away, security to be ripped from me - i was very angry. and when i stopped screaming, when i stopped pointing fingers and cursing the life that has been so openly handed to me, when i finally allowed myself to stop i was embraced. embraced by my family. embraced by the love of the Lord. embraced by my faith.

i write because it makes me happy. i write because i love to talk about clothing and awkward things and beautiful things.  i write because sometimes the words that i see appear on the screen bring me comfort. they allow me to let go. to move on. to have faith.

to begin again.

¹³ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)

this one is for my father

sometimes i want to write really inspiring posts about the day to day emotions that people might be experiencing. heartbreak. loss. joy. worry. anger. and sometimes i type out all of these random "heat of the moment" posts and look back at them and think - "woah girl, take a deep breath." and sometimes i yell at myself and say "delete this NOW!". and sometimes i wrap my arms around myself and whisper - "tomorrow will be a brand new day, have faith in the Lord".

yesterday i said all of those things to myself. in a matter of one. single. hour.

& then i prayed. i prayed good and long (and oddly enough sitting on the bar stool in the kitchen with my hands rested on the keys of my laptop). at one point i lost all sensation of where i really was until it was time for dinner.

& then God answered my prayer, in a way that i was not too sure i expected. but then again, what was i really praying for? it was more of a mish-mosh of anger and frustration and hurt and worry that i think if there would be a direct telephone line to God i would have hung up the phone repeatedly on him. because this girl, wasn't quite sure what exactly it is that needed to be said and sometimes when we hang up the phone, God is still listening. this is the most miraculous part of prayer - you don't even need to be speaking for Him to be listening, answering, and helping.

the answer: a talk with my dad. and dads, they know a thing or two - especially my dad. and of course this sounds bias because he is my dad and anyone would feel this way about their own parent, but i mean it. this dude has been through it all. i trust him. and we don't have that "daddy's little girl relationship", probably due to the fact that i am wayyyyyy too much like him. i would never hold that against him because as i grow and experience things it is him who i feel the closest too. he knows me because he was me. and when you're the baby who grows up in tights and tutus and your older sister is playing soccer, time is divided to conquer between parents and i always got momma. but i think it makes me appreciate these moments with my father.

and that is why when he speaks, when we really get to talking, i listen my eyes are focused on him.

this one is for you dad. for all you do and say.
thank you.

i am sort of all over the place

v-neck and scarf J.Crew factory; shoes Sperry; jeans Kohl's; watch Francesca's

i am a little embarrassed to say that i have missed my little blog over the last few days when i went around gallivanting off to a mini-vacation with momma to new york. actually, i am not that embarrassed at all, because i have come to learn the importance that this little blog has given me and the new beginning it has prompted me to dive in to as well. so,hats off to you little blog, and i will try to pay the utmost attention to you this week.

any who - momma and i hopped over to the empire state to visit my big sissy, brother-in-law, my fury nephew and my sweet baby niece S. we missed my dad, who sadly had to hold down the fort here at home since flowers are quite the big deal during the Easter holiday. even without dad in toe, it was quite the enjoyable stay involving shopping excursions to here, there, and everywhere (and the outlet mall sent from heaven - and really, i mean that.), walks around the neighborhood, baking cookies, watching The Help and comparing it in depth to the book (i know - this may become my newest guilty pleasure and i will save that rant for another time), and many other pleasurable things that can only be done with the women of the family. oddly enough surely enough, the most prized of these activities being enjoying a cup multiple cups of coffee in the morning, in our pjs (until noon). 

while i was out and about rediscovering the bliss of having my older sister around for longer than a nano-second, i realized the importance of family. 

let me rephrase that, i rediscovered how important my family is to me. not saying that i have been completely naive to everything family-esque but it just made me realize where i would be currently in my life without the family that i have. the things i have been going through may be no where near as challenging as others, i am almost certain they are not (which is something i need to keep in check with constantly), but i do know that the things that are mountains in my life right now are being conquered because of the beautiful family that God has given me. i am someone who likes order and lists and plans and a destination that is always in sight and my life is anything but that. i've had meltdown after freak out and without my family to sit me down, refocus me, remind me why i chose to graduate early, why i worked so hard for all of this, why i love what i am going to be doing -- i have no idea where i'd be. with the mixture of what feels like a million other circumstances, it has made that far-off and seemingly unattainable goal a dream of the past -- but not when i have my family. i know that God will never give me more than i can handle and even when it feels as if i have reached my limit -- and trust me we all have our limits and we all, at one point or another feel as if we have reached it -- i will always have my family.

so to sum up my mini-vaca, i shall leave you with a few of my favorite memories:

• baby S and the way her little baby smile and big baby blues melt my heart in a million ways i never knew my heart could melt.
• curling up with huge bowls of chocolate brownie frozen yogurt (every) night.
• having my sister to talk to, no phone, no computer, just pure face to face conversation.
• my mom tearing up while rocking my niece to sleep - the love of a family is the purest love and a beautiful site to see.
• reading all sorts of books to baby S and having her babble back to me.

He is risen!

He is risen, indeed!

Happy Easter Sunday one and all.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In his great mercy he has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.

1 Peter 1:3

Ahhhh, this is the life....

To all of you out there who have chosen to visit my blog (or maybe you just happened to pop on by through various web searching or blog reading), you will soon know that I am currently employed as a substitute teacher.  I finished my degree in a short three and half years, deciding that getting a jump start on the job market (or lack there of) would be the best possible outcome for me.  As we all know, now may not be the particular time to be searching for a job, especially if you are in the education field.  This lands us future educators in to the idolized position of substitute teacher (hold all applause and "ooohs" and "ahhhs" until the end of the rant). 

Being someone who is as type-A as they come and used to a scheduled schedule and lists to complete what is already noted in the schedule, this day to day world of 5:30 a.m. alarms and fingers crossed that by 6:30 I'll be on my way to a some-what scheduled and working day is not what I would call...ideal.  Honestly, it makes me want to scream bloody murder at the top of my lungs.  But, alas...the silver lining...I thrive to teach.  I may be on my fourth cup of coffee and enjoying an episode of Will & Grace where Jack and Karen are off doing some sort of comedic adventure, but yesterday I was knee deep in six year olds and tomorrow I may be running the show in a fourth grade classroom.  Yes, I may not know I will be a teacher that day until 5:45 a.m., but when duty calls...I'm there...I guess I'm sort of like Superman...errrr.....woman (a Superwoman that may have a melt down, a freakout, and not know what to do in this completely unorganized world...that she has to try to organize...)

Moral of the story, or in my case I suppose the moral of the rant, it will be okay!  I'd love to find a support group for substitute teachers because there must be another type-A girl (or boy) out there just like myself who hasn't compeltely embraced the "unknown flying by the seat of your pants" life that substituting has thrust upon me.  Maybe I'd find some words of advice, or share some, or we could just have one big party filled with lists and crafts and a rendition of "Guess Who?" (remember that game?) that has all of our little faces on the cards and we try to guess who will be called.  Ahhh, yes, this is the life.  And if that pretty picture doesn't ease your mind, whoever you are and whatever you may be going through at this time, take a deep breath, focus on today, and keep this little verse in mind:

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."  -- Isaiah  41:13