the other day one of my favorite bloggers, living in yellow, wrote a little post that went something like this: the thing about blogging...i highly suggest you head on over there and check out her blog because it brought a lot of inspiration to the post that is about to follow.
anyway. i've always loved to write. love to the extent that when i was the ripe old age of 9 i entered a story writing contest for the entire county i live in and managed to come out, not only alive, but as the runner-up. i must say. for a 9 year old with a story about a bunny who wants to become a professional ballerina, that is pretty darn good. i even illustrated the pictures myself.
now, as if all that rambling was necessary (which it wasn't), i'd like to move on to a more serious matter: sometimes writing is just about getting out exactly how you feel. to me, that is originally why i wanted to start my blog, to express how i feel - to have an outlet to explore these emotions in a way that, maybe, could aid me in coping, help me find some way of organizing not only my thoughts and dreams but my feelings in a way that would bring some order to a chaotic life that is just about out of my control.
so here we go.
i have felt like i have lost a lot. and not in the sense that a lot of people out there in the world have lost. i have not lost a spouse. i have not lost a home. i have not lost my parents. in all honesty, i have not lost much at all in comparison to a majority of the world, but does this make my pain any less real? should ones loss really be compared to that of anther's? do we all not hurt in the same way over the same and different things? i ask this because if you are out there reading - i ask you to read on with an open mind. i believe that it is one of God's great blessings to be able to approach things in life with an open mind. because every struggle, no matter how small, is real.
i have lost myself. this can happen to anyone. this can happen to those who are aware, this can happen to those that are not aware. i was not aware. and maybe it was a part of God's plan to have me lose myself in order to discover who i really was, what really mattered. i choose to believe this was his plan because i am a child of God. i am not ashamed of this, although some may view this heavy faith in our Lord as "old fashioned" or out of date, i do not believe that religion will ever be coined as "old fashioned", especially to someone who has faith.
when i want to know that i will be okay, i pray. when i want to question and fear, i pray. when i want to cry - and when i say i mean disgusting, awful, shaking in my boots cry - i pray. when i have no where to turn, no where to set blame, no where to find solace in a world that i no longer understand, where i feel as if i have no stability, no love - i pray. if this makes me old fashioned, i'll wear it proudly.
i am not one to force my beliefs on anyone. i have learned this the hard way. i have learned that you cannot preach to those that do not want to have an open mind, open heart, or open eyes. i have learned that fear is the only enemy and Satan wears this mask well. my heart goes out to those who will not choose to blindly believe. my heart goes out to those because i was that person. i was angry with God, i was angry that he allowed certain things in my life to happen - people to die, people to walk away, security to be ripped from me - i was very angry. and when i stopped screaming, when i stopped pointing fingers and cursing the life that has been so openly handed to me, when i finally allowed myself to stop i was embraced. embraced by my family. embraced by the love of the Lord. embraced by my faith.
i write because it makes me happy. i write because i love to talk about clothing and awkward things and beautiful things. i write because sometimes the words that i see appear on the screen bring me comfort. they allow me to let go. to move on. to have faith.
to begin again.
13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)
Philippians 4:13 (NKJV)